The title "free-flow parenting" can feel a bit intimidating and daunting, mainly because being a "parent" inherently comes with the duty to make decisions for children.
Let's face it- parenting is tough! It is filled with responsibilities, expectations, and the weight of what society thinks you should be doing. These societal pressures can really pile on, making parents feel like they're constantly under a microscope and are scrupulously being judged.
Adopting Buddhist principles such as embracing the free flow of life, having equanimity, accepting change, and practicing non-attachment can seem tough when it comes to parenting. But what if I told you, it's actually achievable and people have been successfully doing it?
This article isn't about enforcing rigid rules for parenting success. There are multiple books claiming that. Rather this article delves into a Buddhist approach that has gained acceptance among many experts. It draws on the Engaged School of Buddhism, presenting a practical framework that has been tested and effectively implemented in real-life situations.
Being Equanimous
Equanimity also known as Uppekha, in simple words means not to be ruled by passion, likes, dislikes, and desires.
According to Theravada monk and scholar, Bikkhu Bodhi,
"It is evenness of mind, unshakeable freedom of mind, a state of inner equipoise that cannot be upset by gain and loss, honor and dishonor, praise and blame, pleasure, and pain. Upekkha is freedom from all points of self-reference; it is indifference only to the demands of the ego-self with its craving for pleasure and position, not to the well-being of one's fellow human beings."
It is challenging to relate the concept of equanimity to parenting, especially when the focus often shifts toward making children outperform others pointing to the pleasure, honor, and praise we witness within ourselves.
This results in overlooking the fundamental expectations that children should simply be themselves. It overlooks that children have their own minds and understanding according to their age.
John Pappas, a Zen practitioner and advocate of Buddhist Parenting believes that parenting should be free from dogma and expectations, embodying equanimity, loving-kindness, compassion, and joy.
According to Pappas, a parent should first cultivate their own happiness, which can then be shared with their children, creating a nurturing environment that encourages genuine growth and contentment.
Parents should feel and express bliss by seeing kids as they are, not how we as parents wish them to be.
Don’t Bully
Cynthia Kane, an expert in Buddhist parenting, emphasises that embodying the principles of Buddhism as a parent means forging a genuine connection with your children through kindness, honesty, and support.
This approach involves listening deeply, perceiving your children through a lens of compassion, and granting them the freedom to navigate their experiences without the impulse to fix every challenge they face.
The journey of parenthood is tumultuous, unexpected child behaviors can ignite a firestorm of emotions within us. All too often, this internal tempest manifests as bullying, insults, or even physical aggression towards children. This highlights the dangerous asymmetry of power.
Buddha had plenty to say regarding violence but I like the following…
“Your thoughts can go anywhere. But wherever you may go, you will never find anyone that you love more than yourself. So it is that each person loves himself best. Thus, one who knows that each person loves himself most should not harm others.”
Teach integrity and virtue
The Buddha's approach to parenting and teaching his son Rahula offers profound insights into mindful child-rearing. As Rahula grew, the Buddha tailored his teachings to match his son's developmental stages, focusing on virtue at age 7, meditation in adolescence, and liberating wisdom at 20.
This gradual, age-appropriate method exemplifies the Buddha's skillful guidance along the path to awakening.
The sutta called The Discourse of Advice Given to Rahula at Mango Stone (Middle Length Discourse 61) where the Buddha addressed 8-year-old Rahula's dishonesty with remarkable patience and wisdom. Instead of reacting with anger or punishment, he calmly explained the grave consequences of lying, emphasizing the importance of truthfulness even in jest.
He then taught his son, “When someone is not ashamed to tell a deliberate lie, there is no evil that he or she would not do. Therefore, Rahula, train yourself to not utter a falsehood even as a joke.”
Buddha went on saying...
Whenever engaging in a physical, verbal or mental activity, you should reflect, will this activity bring harm to myself or to others? If, on reflecting, you realize it will bring harm, then such activity is unfit for you to do. If you realize that it will bring benefit to you or to others, then it is something fit for you to do.
Teach Wisdom
In a profound moment of spiritual guidance, the Buddha led his 20-year-old son Rahula on a transformative journey through the serene depths of a majestic sal grove. This pivotal encounter, recorded in the Middle Length Discourse 147, marks the culmination of the Buddha's teachings to his son.
With masterful insight, the Buddha recognized Rahula's readiness for enlightenment and skillfully guided him through a series of thought-provoking questions, each designed to unravel the illusion of self. As they walked among the towering trees, the Buddha gently challenged Rahula's deepest attachments, helping him to loosen the grip of ego and identity.
Even for someone as well-trained as Rahula, the Buddha knew that the tendency to cling to a sense of self was deeply ingrained. With patience and wisdom, he led his son towards the liberating realization of "not-self" - a teaching that, while seemingly abstract, offers practical guidance for finding true happiness through letting go.
This profound lesson was far more valuable than any material inheritance the young Rahula could have imagined when he first approached his father at age seven. In those intervening thirteen years, the Buddha had bestowed upon his son the ultimate gift: the path to lasting peace and freedom from suffering.
It's a poignant reminder that the most precious legacy a parent can offer is not wealth or status, but the tools for inner transformation and genuine happiness.
In conclusion, embracing a Buddhist approach to parenting fosters a nurturing environment where children can thrive authentically. By practicing equanimity, compassion, and non-attachment, parents can cultivate deeper connections and support their children's growth. Ultimately, this mindful approach leads to more harmonious family relationships and a fulfilling parenting journey.